Today's the day
Today I submitted a mammoth piece of research to complete this Master of Counselling. The research, “Lived experiences of resilience for women who have experienced childhood sexual abuse: A systematic literature review of qualitative studies, had me find all the research internationally (in English) on this topic and go through a systematic literature review process, where I pulled out four main themes based on how women defined their experiences of resilience through childhood and adulthood. The four main themes were based on building connections, acknowledging and realising their self-worth, journeying to take back their control and power, and believing in a higher power. I must add these themes were based on my subjective lens and these women’s interpretations of their personal journeys. By no means do these four themes cover the many resilience factors across peoples and cultures.
So yes, I’ve submitted this project. It’s an honour, yet also humbling.
Rewind to 25 years ago and I can guarantee that at 15 years old, if you told me I would research about my deepest wound, I would have laughed hysterically to your face.
I chose to write about the topic that is most personal, most dear to me because I believe as a woman who experienced childhood sexual abuse, there is a desperate need for us, to speak up about this topic in the ways we can. Mine is, I believe, through writing and researching about it. Through all our efforts, in the ways that we choose, we come together and embrace a continual dialogue to break the shame that keeps childhood sexual abuse alive, rampant, worldwide, and so those who have experienced it can break their own silence and get the support they need on their healing journey.
Nearly four years ago I wrote a book about my experience of childhood sexual abuse. It was more than this because the childhood sexual abuse although traumatic, for me, the splitting of my family, that for me was what made my healing journey so difficult. There are so many feelings that go with grieving and healing from trauma.
So, this year for me was challenging academically and emotionally. I feel like I went through the process with every cell in my body, turning , turning, spiralling, inwards and outwards.
I’ll upload a copy of this research after it’s been graded by Massey, but in the meantime, I’ve copied an excerpt from Bright: Shining light on my Story below, which I placed at the beginning of my supplementary material. I write below to all peoples who have experienced sexual violence. I also write a prayer and a blessing for you that I hope you will hear in your deep inner core: You are perfect the way you are. What happened to you is not your fault. You are a magnificent, strong, fearless being who is stronger beyond your comprehension. You are an inspiration to our world and the quintessential definition of resilience to me. You are my hero:
“Another of the most profound parts of my healing journey has been my ability to forgive myself and love myself. Every day I choose to have the courage to chart my own course, rather than use what other people did to me as an excuse for poor behaviour. That doesn’t mean I don’t step off the path. I do, but I get back on. When I fall down, I stand back up. I dust off my knees, lick my wounds, and feel what’s going on in my body to connect with my soul. Then I say, ‘Hello world, Christina’s back!’
I learned over time that we all have choices, and I cannot control other peoples' behaviours. I think that's why things hurt so much when I was young, and after. I couldn't understand why if someone loved me, they could hurt me so much. Why did love hurt so much? I eventually learned that when I was being hurt or hurting, it wasn't love.
I actively choose to feel every sense within my being because I've learned that when I do there's a message on the other side. There, within each feeling, when you hold it, journey through it, identifying the senses throughout your body, at the other end you'll feel it start dissolving into your body. It'll change and in the process, provide the energy you need to fuel change.
At the other end you'll find your answer. It's because your feelings are your gateway to your soul, and your soul is connected to God. What's also beautiful is how your body only wants to help you heal. I’d allow images of sexual abuse to come into my mind and I'd bawl my eyes out. But it wasn't too much. It was never more than I could handle. And some memories would only unravel when I was older and ready.
I didn't want to remember what happened to me, but without doing so, I couldn't feel the messages within my soul. My deep wisdom, which rested within those painful memories. For the longest time, I would look outside my body for answers. I closed my soul off and would feel little bits and bytes of feelings throughout my childhood, adolescence, adulthood. The more I felt, the more courage I had to feel more, and really go deep into my feelings. And what I found when I got there was that my light shone brighter the darker my memories became. My soul was the light in the darkness and my answers to my questions were there at the end of each feeling in my body.
When I remembered my memories and felt my feelings in my body, my beautiful body smoothed balm into my wounds. Sometimes I felt like my heart would rip out of my chest because the pain was so strong, the darkness blinding, the feelings overwhelming, but here I am, whole. I was all I ever needed. Nothing more, nothing less. And feeling everything that comes up, I've grown big, bright beautiful wings out of my back from all of my experiences. Each quill is a memory that I've had the courage to feel. My wings glide behind me like a long, royal train when I walk.
Growing wings hurt, but you can't fly, you can’t soar, without them.”
Above was part of my journey, and we all experience our journey in our own unique ways.